on finding magic ...

The time between mid-November and the end of the calendar year is arguably my favorite time of year. Autumn has set in and cool air inevitably turns to crisp, biting breezes. The earth seems to calm, bringing with it a kind of serenity. The sparkle of lights and glittering things is everywhere you look. And I find that humanity is generally kinder to one another.

The holidays can be wonderful ~ full of laughter and reflection. We find how rich we really are, not in material things but in love and light. Families gather together ... both the families we were born into, and the families we create for ourselves. Even if we haven't seen each other the rest of the year, we take time to celebrate the love that has come into our lives. It's a beautiful thing. And sometimes it's very hard.

I learned so many things about myself this holiday season. First, that I'm not responsible for how others feel. About each other, about themselves, about their life situation. That no matter how much I may want a thing for someone I love, I have absolutely no ability to make it happen. And that is in no way a reflection of me. And that's ok. The second thing I've learned is that it's ok to not be in control of everything all the time. In fact sometimes when things are completely out of your control, that's the place where magic begins.

I have always been a peacemaker. I crave harmony. It stems from the very core of who I am, and has for my entire life. Too much discord actually makes me physically ill. I tend to empathize with my tribe, internalizing their pain as my own. There have been times in my life that I didn't make waves simply to avoid creating chaos {those days are long since gone}. I long for a place where we are kind to each other. Where we can talk about our issues and differences without attacking each other. And a place where we can be our true, authentic selves.

But in the course of it all, I've learned that this isn't my responsibility. I cannot be responsible for the feelings and actions of others. I can't make them harmonious or respectful or kind. All I can do is love my people. I am only accountable for me.

While 2014 may have been the year of falling, 2015 has been a year of release. Release from negativity. Release into authenticity. Release from responsibility for things over which I have no control. And surrendering to the magic that is increasingly following me. It really is everywhere. Have you seen it? And I've found the more I surrender, the more I simply release into who I am, the brighter the magic glows. It's beautiful and terrifying and wonderful.

So this will be the theme of 2016. Seeking magical things and people and places. Allowing life to shimmer a bit more. And basking in the glow of the beauty around me.

what's on the other side of fear?

It's 2:30 am and I'm not sleeping. This isn't terribly surprising ... I've never been a good sleeper much to my chagrin. I love sleep, probably because it often seems like something unattainable. I turn into a horrible, cranky, weepy person without it and no one really needs to experience that. On the upside ~ I do my part to keep the coffee people in business so there's that. You're welcome, Starbucks.

It often means that my brain is mulling something over. And over and over. And won't stop until I've overthought it to death and can no longer remember what I was even obsessing about. Either that or my brain knows this is the only time that I allow myself to binge on trashy TV so it waits until the wee hours of the morning to bother me so we can catch up on episodes of The Good Wife or Scandal or the latest serial killer series with which I've become obsessed. 

It's been a fantastic summer. Quite unlike last summer which we've taken to calling "The Summer of Crying." I mean it wasn't all bad. Wine = check! Cake = check! What, more wine? Yes!! But seriously lacking in fun and adventure. So far this summer, I've finished my first Bikram Yoga 30-Day Challenge. I've gone on countless adventures in this amazing, terrifying, fabulous city I now call home {just this past week I met a heroin addict named Mohammed on the way home from the DMV! probs best not to tell Diane about that}. And I'm making amazing memories with the best people in the entire world. Seriously y'all, I have the best people. You should be jealous.

But if I'm being honest, and I'm generally blatantly so, I've been in a bit of a funk since ... well I'm not entirely sure. Sometime around the beginning of the summer? Perhaps earlier. It doesn't really matter I suppose, except I haven't quite been able to put my finger on why and I think that's why I'm awake tonight. I'm singing better than I ever have in my life, and I'll be working more this fall than ever. I have a magical freelance business that lets me spend time pursuing my dream and having brunch with my people and traveling to Timbuktu for a few weeks for funzies if I so choose. And I honestly feel like the sky is about to open up and all kinds of glitter and shit is going to spill out. I have no idea what, but it feels like something is coming. And that probably sounds completely and totally crazy, but I'm pretty comfortable with that at this point.

 ... And then it hit me.

I realize that I've been afraid of making music all summer. It's absolutely ridiculous. Music is the one thing I've been chasing with all of my soul for the past 7 years. I mean ~ all in. I have worked harder at this one thing during those years than I ever have at anything in my life. It brings me peace and joy and beauty and when I do it well, it's absolutely transcendent. And even though I feel like I'm doing it better than I ever have, opening a score this summer has been one of the hardest things for me.

And I think it has something to do with fear. It's not so much a fear of not being good enough, or talented, or allowed to call myself a musician {things I've honestly struggled with many, many times over the course of these past years}. I think it's a fear of success. Fear that I might actually get what I want. Fear that if I keep going the way I am, only beautiful things lie ahead.

Sounds terrifying and horrible, right? But failure can become like your favorite pair of jeans. It's easy. It's comfortable. And I know it pretty well. I've struggled with audition anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and wondering when someone was going to realize that I just shouldn't even be here. But success ... that's another thing entirely.

So I'm letting go of fear {because I believe that saying things to the universe actually has power}. And we're going to see what's on the other side. I do love a good adventure.

{sorry for all of the run-on sentences. it's now 4:15, what do you expect?}