Saturday, January 18, 2014

getting out of my head

Audition season tends to turn me into a philosopher. For those of you who aren't familiar with the mindfuck that is auditioning, the voices in your head routinely question your decisions. Decisions about wardrobe and makeup and rep and how you greet your audition panel ... the list is endless. They can smell fear. And it's an awful lot like going on a blind date {ew}. With the queen. The queen who holds your future in her hands and can squash you like a bug if she doesn't like your lipstick. mygodwhatcoloroflipstickamigoingtowear. No pressure.

Every time I go into an audition, I hear the first scene from "A Chorus Line" in my head. And as I sit on my sofa this morning drinking coffee, lazily browsing blogs, and attempting to find my center, I've realized a few things ...

It's been a while since I embarked on a busy audition season {which is it seems is forming on the horizon}. I've spent the last year+ reworking technique, finding my vocal place, and making sure I was really singing the right rep with the right technique. My amazing teacher has put up with neurotic "hey look what I found" or "what's wrong with me" or "will I ever get this right" emails with the patience and excitement and grace a mother has for her child. And I feel a little out of practice. I've done a total of 8 auditions in the past 18 months {which is really something when I consider that I've had years with triple that number}. Two turned into jobs. A couple more were very promising experiences. And there were a handful for which I didn't quite show up. Blerg. I hate it when that happens.

It's been amazingly difficult to not audition my ass off during those months. I don't like to feel as if I'm sitting still. There's the voice inside my head that says "how old are you again?" She can be a strong intimidator. And then there's the type A, workaholic, perfection-is-never-good-enough side that likes to get involved. {and I hear my father say, as he did so many times growing up, "aren't you better than them? You're a Dove."} ... Between my perfectionist mother, my dad telling me I should be better than everyone, and my brother who was good at EVERYTHING he ever tried to do, while I was just a mess, {Seriously. Just ask him.} it's no wonder I have so many issues of adequacy. *loveyoumeanit* imonlykindofkidding.

... But I digress. The wonderful people the universe has brought into my life have assured me I've made the right decision. And I repeat that to the voices in my head when they bring it up. Sometimes they don't listen very well.

I remember very well a conversation I had with a friend and colleague when I was in Roanoke for Carmen. He talked about his wife {a fantastically successful soprano} and her philosophy on auditions. He said it's nothing more than a job for her. She knows what she's doing and she's trained for this moment. She does her thing and it's over. Sounds really easy, doesn't it?

I've spent a lot of time retraining the voices in my head over the past year. Sending out positive energy into the universe. Believing that we can create our own destinies and testing the waters. Claiming the things that I want. And remembering the wonderful people who have given me opportunities who continue to believe in me. I've been incredibly fortunate, and the universe has been wonderfully kind. Positivity begets positivity.

So this is me ... getting out of my head. Doing the job that I've been trained to do. Wheee!