Tuesday, March 27, 2012

near death experiences...

Let it be known that I do not like bugs {I know ... shocker}. Of any kind. Especially those who dare to enter the threshold of whatever dwelling I happen to be in at the time. I have been known to flip sofas over while attempting to kill those who have entered my domain. Not joking.

So during my last week in Nashville on a particularly quiet evening, I encountered an especially disgusting specimen while exiting the shower. It was terrifying and did not end well for said creature. Let's be honest ~ it really didn't end well for me either. Here is a real text conversation that happened between me and my friend, who we'll just call F.

Me: I WAS JUST ATTACKED BY A 10-FOOT BEAST IN MY BATHROOM!

{the offending bastard}

F: It looks so small on the screen.
Me: It was giant. And it tried to kill me ... I almost DIED.
F: You are SO brave.
Me: I know. But it was terrifying.
F: I'm sure it was. How did you do it?
Me: I knocked in into the tub with a feta cheese container, turned on the shower, stabbed it with the lid and washed it down the drain. IT ATTACKED ME IN THE SHOWER.
F: It was only fighting back.
Me: Oh no ~ bitch started it. I just finished it ... After crying a little.
F: That is so funny! I can totally picture that.
Me: Which part? Being attacked by a giant robo-centipede is no laughing matter, sir.
F: Oh it so is.
Me: You're not my friend.
F: I am ... a laughing friend.
Me: Uh huh.
F: "after crying a little..." {snort}
Me: Why do you hate me? It had knives. And a grenade launcher.
F: But I love you. Wow ... artillery too.
Me: It was trying to maim me.
F: What was its move?
Me: It waited 'til I opened the shower curtain after showering. So I would be vulnerable.
F: Ambush ... it's clearly had sniper training.
Me: See! I need to go to bed. And to take a tranquilizer.

And this is why bugs shouldn't mess with me.  It's not good for anyone's mental health.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I'm lame ... and other meaningless excuses for not blogging

So you may have noticed that I completely suck at life when it comes to this blog. Because I published two posts and then ran away screaming. Or perhaps I've been extremely busy taking opera to the children of middle Tennessee for the past six weeks {which has been completely amazing and life-altering in so many ways}, including spending almost two entire weeks on. death's. door. Like forrealzies. I know ~ it's a lame excuse but it's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So today the Mezzo and I {all names have been changed to protect the innocent ... or maybe not so innocent} had a break in between performances. After trying to sleep and looking at a little Carmen {oh, Leontyne, why do you have to be so amazing}, I abandoned the notion that I would be actually napping. Instead we headed to our fav local establishment, Fido. Which is completely overrun by hipsters, but their Local Latte is amazing. You *must* try it.

We strolled down the street to this darling little ~ paper and things ~ shop, and that's where I found it. The most amazing book. Ever. 
{even the elephant on the cover thinks it's effing awesome}

Contained within this book of whimsy, are hundreds of lists for, oh say Ukulele Songs Appropriate for a Funeral, Haikus About Duct Tape, Best Streets on which to attempt a Blindfolded Bike Ride, Dance Moves for Unsafe High Places, Working Titles for a Screenplay on George Washington's Space Adventures, or Places to Practice Invisibility. I could go on, but I'm far too enamored to spend much time away from my new book. Which is filled with merriment. And awesome.

Feel free to create entries for the above lists {or others I will most certainly post in the future} in the comments below. I can't wait to see what kind of wonder awaits.