near death experiences...

Let it be known that I do not like bugs {I know ... shocker}. Of any kind. Especially those who dare to enter the threshold of whatever dwelling I happen to be in at the time. I have been known to flip sofas over while attempting to kill those who have entered my domain. Not joking.

So during my last week in Nashville on a particularly quiet evening, I encountered an especially disgusting specimen while exiting the shower. It was terrifying and did not end well for said creature. Let's be honest ~ it really didn't end well for me either. Here is a real text conversation that happened between me and my friend, who we'll just call F.

Me: I WAS JUST ATTACKED BY A 10-FOOT BEAST IN MY BATHROOM!

{the offending bastard}

F: It looks so small on the screen.
Me: It was giant. And it tried to kill me ... I almost DIED.
F: You are SO brave.
Me: I know. But it was terrifying.
F: I'm sure it was. How did you do it?
Me: I knocked in into the tub with a feta cheese container, turned on the shower, stabbed it with the lid and washed it down the drain. IT ATTACKED ME IN THE SHOWER.
F: It was only fighting back.
Me: Oh no ~ bitch started it. I just finished it ... After crying a little.
F: That is so funny! I can totally picture that.
Me: Which part? Being attacked by a giant robo-centipede is no laughing matter, sir.
F: Oh it so is.
Me: You're not my friend.
F: I am ... a laughing friend.
Me: Uh huh.
F: "after crying a little..." {snort}
Me: Why do you hate me? It had knives. And a grenade launcher.
F: But I love you. Wow ... artillery too.
Me: It was trying to maim me.
F: What was its move?
Me: It waited 'til I opened the shower curtain after showering. So I would be vulnerable.
F: Ambush ... it's clearly had sniper training.
Me: See! I need to go to bed. And to take a tranquilizer.

And this is why bugs shouldn't mess with me.  It's not good for anyone's mental health.